Well, long before there was this thing called the Internet, there were BBSs... Bulletin Boards. Yeah; this was on “dial-up”... computers connected to other computers by “modems” using land-lines. (Nope, cellular, while a thing for a few years already, was not really a thing for the ordinary Joe.)

So, recently I came across some archives from my own BBS, Gravesend. In particular, this Christmas bulletin first posted—if the file’s time stamp is to be believed—back on December 7th, 1988. That’s right, ASCII art, using the PC’s line-drawing characters were the norm. (And here too, while Macs were a thing, they were an incredibly rare thing, so no... no concern about it producing mojibake on them...)

Anyway, this parody of The Night Before Christmas captured the insanity of primitive software development practices... and despite Agile, Scrum, and Kanban (to name but some stuff) nowadays ... there seems to be a ring of truth even three decades on, as Waterfall has not been completely eradicated.

 ╒═══╕ ╒══════════════════════════════════════════════╕ ╒═══╕
 │ ╒═│═│══╕    ·T·H·E· ·N·I·G·H·T· ·B·E·F·O·R·E·   ╒══│═│═╕ │
 ╘═│═│═╛  │      ·I·M·P·L·E·M·E·N·T·A·T·I·O·N·     │  ╘═│═│═╛
 ╒═│═╛    ╘════════════════════════════════════════╛    ╘═│═╕
 │ │                                                      │ │
 │ │             T'was the night before implementation,   │ │
 │ │               and all through the house              │ │
 │ │             Not a program was working,               │ │
 │ │               not even a browse.                     │ │
 │ │             The programmers hung                     │ │
 │ │               by their tubes in despair,             │ │
 │ │             with hopes that a miracle                │ │
 │ │               would soon be there.                   │ │
 │ │                                                      │ │
 │ │             The users were nestled                   │ │
 │ │               all snug in their beds,                │ │
 │ │             While visions of inquiries               │ │
 │ │               danced in their heads,                 │ │
 │ │             When out from the machine                │ │
 ╘═│═╕             there rose such a clatter,           ╒═│═╛
 ╒═│═│═╕         I sprang from my desk                ╒═│═│═╕
 │ ╘═│═│═╕         to see what was the matter.      ╒═│═│═╛ │
 ╘═══╛ ╘═│═╕                                      ╒═│═╛ ╘═══╛
 ╒═══╕ ╒═│═╛     And, what to my wondering eyes   ╘═│═╕ ╒═══╕
 │ ╒═│═│═╛         should appear,                   ╘═│═│═╕ │
 ╘═│═│═╛         But a super-programmer               ╘═│═│═╛
 ╒═│═╛             (with a six-pack of beer.)           ╘═│═╕
 │ │             His resumé glowed                        │ │
 │ │               with experience so rare,               │ │
 │ │             He turned out great code                 │ │
 │ │               with bit-pusher flair.                 │ │
 │ │                                                      │ │
 │ │             More rapid than RAM-disks                │ │
 │ │               his programs, they came,               │ │
 │ │             And he cursed and he muttered            │ │
 │ │               and he called them by name:            │ │
 ╘═│═╕           "On update, on add,                    ╒═│═╛
 ╒═│═│═╕           on inquiry, on delete.             ╒═│═│═╕
 │ ╘═│═│═╕       On batch jobs, on closing,         ╒═│═│═╛ │
 ╘═══╛ ╘═│═╕       on functions complete."        ╒═│═╛ ╘═══╛
 ╒═══╕ ╒═│═╛                                      ╘═│═╕ ╒═══╕
 │ ╒═│═│═╛       His eyes were glazed over,         ╘═│═│═╕ │
 ╘═│═│═╛           fingers nimble and lean            ╘═│═│═╛
 ╒═│═╛           From weekends and nights               ╘═│═╕
 │ │               in front of the screen.                │ │
 │ │             A wink of his eye,                       │ │
 │ │               and a twitch of his head,              │ │
 │ │             Soon gave me to know                     │ │
 │ │               I had nothing to dread.                │ │
 │ │                                                      │ │
 │ │             He spoke not a word,                     │ │
 │ │               but went straight to his work,         │ │
 │ │             Turning specs into code,                 │ │
 │ │               and then turned with a jerk.           │ │
 ╘═│═╕           And laying his finger                  ╒═│═╛
 ╒═│═│═╕           upon the "Enter" key               ╒═│═│═╕
 │ ╘═│═│═╕       He brought it all up               ╒═│═│═╛ │
 ╘═══╛ ╘═│═╕       and it worked perfectly.       ╒═│═╛ ╘═══╛
 ╒═══╕ ╒═│═╛                                      ╘═│═╕ ╒═══╕
 │ ╒═│═│═╛       The updates updated,               ╘═│═│═╕ │
 ╘═│═│═╛           the deletes, they deleted;         ╘═│═│═╛
 ╒═│═╛           The inquiries inquired,                ╘═│═╕
 │ │               and closing completed.                 │ │
 │ │             He tested each whistle,                  │ │
 │ │               he tested each bell,                   │ │
 │ │             With nary an ab-end,                     │ │
 │ │               all had gone well.                     │ │
 │ │                                                      │ │
 │ │             The system was finished,                 │ │
 │ │               the tests were concluded.              │ │
 │ │             The users' last changes                  │ │
 │ │               were even included.                    │ │
 │ │             Yet the users exclaimed                  │ │
 │ │               with a snarl and a taunt,              │ │
 │ │             "It's just what we asked for,            │ │
 │ │               but not what we want!"                 │ │
 │ │                        --Annonymous                  │ │
 │ │                                                      │ │
 ╘═│═╕   ╒══════════════════════════════════════════╕   ╒═│═╛
 ╒═│═│═╕ │    Merry Christmas from the sysops of    │ ╒═│═│═╕
 │ ╘═│═│═╛  ·G·R·A·V·E·S·E·N·D·  ·8·9·7·-·1·3·0·1·  ╘═│═│═╛ │
 ╘═══╛ ╘══════════════════════════════════════════════╛ ╘═══╛

Happy Holidays!

PS: Back in the day, the line-drawing characters were built into the ROM of PCs, but nowadays that support only comes from installed fonts... and not all fonts do the characters justice. The Gravesend Knotwork looks pretty good in some renditions, and has sizing issues in others, so understand that your mileage may vary.